Burst of something. In a good way.

So I guess yeah I got an urge to ask Ryan to the Dinner Dance during 3rd period after Tommy tripped me. Don't worry, that's his way of flirting. He's one of those.
And I decided that if he said he was going with someone I'd act all excited and say "that's great!" and if he got really quiet and got a confused look on his face I'd say, "As friends, of course. What do you think I meant?"
So I called him after school. And he didn't answer. I wanted to ask him in person but Lili said I should ask him before someone else does so I called him yeah and as I already said he didn't answer. And I was on the elliptical machine when he called like an hourish later.
R:"what's up?"
and I sort of meandered into asking with whom he was going to Dinner Dance...
S: who are you going to Dinner dance with?
R:"right now I'm actually not entirely sure, why?
And I thought oh shoot he's going to ask Opel, isn't he?
S: We should go together.
R: Actually, I was going to ask you, Soph.
WHAT?! yay...!!
R: I was planning on it. But Prue Mason told Lindsay LaBret that I was going to ask her. I wasn't actually going to... but now I feel obligated to take her. I don't know what I'm going to do, or if I'm even going to go.
S: well, you should go with who you want to go with... if that's Lindsay, you should take her. And if you don't want to go, you should not go.
R: I don't know. I just... I don't know. And apparently I'm hanging out with Opel tommarow.
And I thought, here we go...
S: "Oh? that will be good."
R:"Yeah I guess.
S: "It will give you more insight into where you both stand."
R: I don't know. We both know that she doesnt always follow through with what she says.
S: Yeah...
R: I'm really sorry I didn't pick up, when you called earlier... I'm at work.
S: Ryan you didn't have to call! I'm sorry to be keeping you.
R: No, it's no problem.
S: and you called an hour after I called... don't apoligize for that... you didn't have to call. Thank you.
R: Hey, no prob. But I should get back to work.
S: Oh! Okay.
R: I'll call you later.
(which in Ryan language means "I'll see you tommarow morning")
S: Okay- bye!
R: bye.

so here's the summary:
Ryan planned to ask me to Dinner Dance. Prue told Lindsay that he was going to ask Lindsay. Now he doesnt know. And he's hanging out with Opel tommarow.
??
How icky, and yet I feel like I'm floating.

infinite xs and os
Sophie

I think.

If I do like Ryan, what does this mean?
He wouldn't have said "I love you"... he's not a touchy feely guy that throws that around. He wouldn't have said "I love you."
So what does this mean?
I want desperately to just know when someone is interested in me.
I usually do... except that when I like them, there's no real way for me to figure it out. To add to the confusion, my heart's telling me one thing, and my mind is telling me another. This reminds me of The Little Prince. (ah, what doesn't?)
You can only see clearly with your heart.
and makes me want to believe:
"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
(yes I watched moulin rouge yesterday)
But I do love him...
not in a romantic way, maybe, as his sister at worst (or at best, I'm not sure right now.) Because he's always here when I need him.

I think we could be good for eachother.
I think we could be really very happy together.
And I think... I don't know... just, maybe...

and now, I'm not sure, because my head and heart are perched on either of my shoulders.
and my head is telling me, "Absolutly not! This is absurd. You can't have feelings for him."
and my heart is saying, "You've liked him for so long. Admit it!! You've liked him for months, underneath the surface of all things Jon-ness, and you liked him three years ago, and you liked him six years ago, so why aren't you admitting this, Sophie? You want him. And regardless of whether or not you end up together, you need him, too."
And Callie's voice is echoing in my head, "Just go up to him and say, 'So here's the deal: I find you incredibly attractive." and walk away.
And...

Until Next Post,
infinite xs and os,
Sophie

The Dance: S&C had fun, J wasn't there, and neither was I

Just because I prefer translating French love poems to appearing at a petty school dance where a bunch of spoiled brats look at some of the more unpopular girls, laughing at their dress of choice and their weight, does NOT mean I'm anti social. Does it?
I'm sorry, I'm just not interested.
Lucky for me, it seems that Sammi and Caleb (did I mention she has a boyfriend now? Yeah. for like a week. I forgot to mention that in my last post.) had an incredible time... but Sammi didn't see Jon all night. So it isn't like he actually went, anyway. I'm not sure why... he has sleep issues, after all, and excersizing at least 3 hours before bed can be very helpful. I'm considering going all sleep therapist on him. Maybe then, when he sees how helpful I am, he'll like me, too.

Please post any comments you may have.
Until next post,
infinite xs and os,

Sophie