Wednesday, May 30, 2007
two major art projects, two major photography projects, a 10 page paper +powerpoint, and a delightful slew of exams all have been freaking me out.
And all the boys.
I swear, these past few weeks have been beyond strange.
I promise to update better friday or saturday night.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
And I decided that if he said he was going with someone I'd act all excited and say "that's great!" and if he got really quiet and got a confused look on his face I'd say, "As friends, of course. What do you think I meant?"
So I called him after school. And he didn't answer. I wanted to ask him in person but Lili said I should ask him before someone else does so I called him yeah and as I already said he didn't answer. And I was on the elliptical machine when he called like an hourish later.
and I sort of meandered into asking with whom he was going to Dinner Dance...
S: who are you going to Dinner dance with?
R:"right now I'm actually not entirely sure, why?
And I thought oh shoot he's going to ask Opel, isn't he?
S: We should go together.
R: Actually, I was going to ask you, Soph.
R: I was planning on it. But Prue Mason told Lindsay LaBret that I was going to ask her. I wasn't actually going to... but now I feel obligated to take her. I don't know what I'm going to do, or if I'm even going to go.
S: well, you should go with who you want to go with... if that's Lindsay, you should take her. And if you don't want to go, you should not go.
R: I don't know. I just... I don't know. And apparently I'm hanging out with Opel tommarow.
And I thought, here we go...
S: "Oh? that will be good."
R:"Yeah I guess.
S: "It will give you more insight into where you both stand."
R: I don't know. We both know that she doesnt always follow through with what she says.
R: I'm really sorry I didn't pick up, when you called earlier... I'm at work.
S: Ryan you didn't have to call! I'm sorry to be keeping you.
R: No, it's no problem.
S: and you called an hour after I called... don't apoligize for that... you didn't have to call. Thank you.
R: Hey, no prob. But I should get back to work.
S: Oh! Okay.
R: I'll call you later.
(which in Ryan language means "I'll see you tommarow morning")
S: Okay- bye!
so here's the summary:
Ryan planned to ask me to Dinner Dance. Prue told Lindsay that he was going to ask Lindsay. Now he doesnt know. And he's hanging out with Opel tommarow.
How icky, and yet I feel like I'm floating.
infinite xs and os
Monday, April 16, 2007
But we've been really good. Like, really good. Especially since the 1.5 hour phonecall. Since then, we've been incredibly good. So... here's my list of looks of note.
- the look I got the day after the phonecall. He looked extremely worried and very... I don't know... willing to help.
- the looks from across the gym room. length wise, they varried from short to elongated, intensity wise, they were.... j'ne sais pas... incredible. Smoldering. I mean, Claire looked at me and glanced at him, and back to me and said, "What's going on? Is there something I should know about?"
- The look today. the look that was dissapointed in my response, yet unreadable.
So... when he tells me today that he and Opel talked last night, and I swear, he gives me this LOOK like he's testing me, I say, "Oh? how is she? I haven't talked to her."
Well apparently she called him because she was excited about her new cellphone. I wish she'd leave the poor child alone. He's tried so hard to get over her, and I actually think he is... and she persists in such a way that she doesnt give him the CHANCE to really get over her completely.
I said, "that's good, you know, that she called you to to talk. She reached out."
he got this look in his eyes that said that that wasn't the reaction he wanted. and then he said, "Yeah. uh- see you later." and his eyes looked really warm and un-ryan-ish.
my goodness gracious!!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
today: strangely intense, elongated, repeated glances captured from across the room. With Ryan. No words actually exchanged until hours later, but I was sure to let him see me watching him. I know, I have issues. I almost feel trapped. Trapped by...
It's as if the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle are falling into place, but not in a murder mystery kind of way. I feel like this thing has been here for years, and maybe I'm just coming to terms with it now. Maybe it's just time. Maybe I don't feel trapped, but simply bound. Bound to him, in some strange way, and even more, bound to myself.
"Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself. "