My cordial apoligy

Sorry I haven't updated...
two major art projects, two major photography projects, a 10 page paper +powerpoint, and a delightful slew of exams all have been freaking me out.
And all the boys.
I swear, these past few weeks have been beyond strange.
I promise to update better friday or saturday night.

"Here's my philosophy on dating:
it's important to have somebody to make you laugh
somebody you can trust
somebody that- you know- turns you on-
and it's really, really important that these three people
DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER!!"
-Brooke, One Tree Hill

He's taking Lindsay LeBret.
And the scheming begins...

Burst of something. In a good way.

So I guess yeah I got an urge to ask Ryan to the Dinner Dance during 3rd period after Tommy tripped me. Don't worry, that's his way of flirting. He's one of those.
And I decided that if he said he was going with someone I'd act all excited and say "that's great!" and if he got really quiet and got a confused look on his face I'd say, "As friends, of course. What do you think I meant?"
So I called him after school. And he didn't answer. I wanted to ask him in person but Lili said I should ask him before someone else does so I called him yeah and as I already said he didn't answer. And I was on the elliptical machine when he called like an hourish later.
R:"what's up?"
and I sort of meandered into asking with whom he was going to Dinner Dance...
S: who are you going to Dinner dance with?
R:"right now I'm actually not entirely sure, why?
And I thought oh shoot he's going to ask Opel, isn't he?
S: We should go together.
R: Actually, I was going to ask you, Soph.
WHAT?! yay...!!
R: I was planning on it. But Prue Mason told Lindsay LaBret that I was going to ask her. I wasn't actually going to... but now I feel obligated to take her. I don't know what I'm going to do, or if I'm even going to go.
S: well, you should go with who you want to go with... if that's Lindsay, you should take her. And if you don't want to go, you should not go.
R: I don't know. I just... I don't know. And apparently I'm hanging out with Opel tommarow.
And I thought, here we go...
S: "Oh? that will be good."
R:"Yeah I guess.
S: "It will give you more insight into where you both stand."
R: I don't know. We both know that she doesnt always follow through with what she says.
S: Yeah...
R: I'm really sorry I didn't pick up, when you called earlier... I'm at work.
S: Ryan you didn't have to call! I'm sorry to be keeping you.
R: No, it's no problem.
S: and you called an hour after I called... don't apoligize for that... you didn't have to call. Thank you.
R: Hey, no prob. But I should get back to work.
S: Oh! Okay.
R: I'll call you later.
(which in Ryan language means "I'll see you tommarow morning")
S: Okay- bye!
R: bye.

so here's the summary:
Ryan planned to ask me to Dinner Dance. Prue told Lindsay that he was going to ask Lindsay. Now he doesnt know. And he's hanging out with Opel tommarow.
??
How icky, and yet I feel like I'm floating.

infinite xs and os
Sophie

The Look, continued, and other looks

so what do these looks I've been getting mean? I mean, okay. He's looked at me before. But lately he's been sort of weird. It probably began back at the beginning of the summer... for one reason or another, my mother flipped out on him. Even though it was my fault.
But we've been really good. Like, really good. Especially since the 1.5 hour phonecall. Since then, we've been incredibly good. So... here's my list of looks of note.

1. the look I got the day after the phonecall. He looked extremely worried and very... I don't know... willing to help.
2. the looks from across the gym room. length wise, they varried from short to elongated, intensity wise, they were.... j'ne sais pas... incredible. Smoldering. I mean, Claire looked at me and glanced at him, and back to me and said, "What's going on? Is there something I should know about?"
3. The look today. the look that was dissapointed in my response, yet unreadable.

The Look.

normally when a boy looks at me... really looks at me in that certain way... I can figure that they likely have a thing for me, or are attracted to me. But with Ryan, who is, read: my best friend, he looks at me, really looks at me, ALL THE TIME.
So... when he tells me today that he and Opel talked last night, and I swear, he gives me this LOOK like he's testing me, I say, "Oh? how is she? I haven't talked to her."
Well apparently she called him because she was excited about her new cellphone. I wish she'd leave the poor child alone. He's tried so hard to get over her, and I actually think he is... and she persists in such a way that she doesnt give him the CHANCE to really get over her completely.
I said, "that's good, you know, that she called you to to talk. She reached out."
he got this look in his eyes that said that that wasn't the reaction he wanted. and then he said, "Yeah. uh- see you later." and his eyes looked really warm and un-ryan-ish.

my goodness gracious!!

A glance or two. Or ten.

today: strangely intense, elongated, repeated glances captured from across the room. With Ryan. No words actually exchanged until hours later, but I was sure to let him see me watching him. I know, I have issues. I almost feel trapped. Trapped by...

It's as if the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle are falling into place, but not in a murder mystery kind of way. I feel like this thing has been here for years, and maybe I'm just coming to terms with it now. Maybe it's just time. Maybe I don't feel trapped, but simply bound. Bound to him, in some strange way, and even more, bound to myself.

It's like Fred says in Breakfast at Tiffany's:

"Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself. "

infinite xs and os,

Sophie

I think again.

I honestly think that Ryan is over Opel. I didn't think I'd ever be able to say that...
and now, what I'm feeling is...
hope.

?

I cant stop thinking about him.

I think.

If I do like Ryan, what does this mean?
He wouldn't have said "I love you"... he's not a touchy feely guy that throws that around. He wouldn't have said "I love you."
So what does this mean?
I want desperately to just know when someone is interested in me.
I usually do... except that when I like them, there's no real way for me to figure it out. To add to the confusion, my heart's telling me one thing, and my mind is telling me another. This reminds me of The Little Prince. (ah, what doesn't?)
You can only see clearly with your heart.
and makes me want to believe:
"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
(yes I watched moulin rouge yesterday)
But I do love him...
not in a romantic way, maybe, as his sister at worst (or at best, I'm not sure right now.) Because he's always here when I need him.

I think we could be good for eachother.
I think we could be really very happy together.
And I think... I don't know... just, maybe...

and now, I'm not sure, because my head and heart are perched on either of my shoulders.
and my head is telling me, "Absolutly not! This is absurd. You can't have feelings for him."
and my heart is saying, "You've liked him for so long. Admit it!! You've liked him for months, underneath the surface of all things Jon-ness, and you liked him three years ago, and you liked him six years ago, so why aren't you admitting this, Sophie? You want him. And regardless of whether or not you end up together, you need him, too."
And Callie's voice is echoing in my head, "Just go up to him and say, 'So here's the deal: I find you incredibly attractive." and walk away.
And...

Until Next Post,
infinite xs and os,
Sophie

Actually a new source of confusion.

I was hysterical when Ryan called.
Right away he asked, "is this about Jon? and I said, "it doesn't matter... you said you had a lot of hw... go ahead. talk to you later." and hung up. and he called me right back and said,

R: okay. So you're going to tell me what's wrong now.
S: um...
R: Okay, so it is about Jon.

Have I ever mentioned that Ryan and Jon aren't exactly friends? Right away when he figured out that I had feelings for Jon, Ryan told me that I could do much better and that he was a jerk.

S: It's just that...

I stopped, trying to word my explanation.

R: It's just that...
S: Just that I really like him, and yesterday he asked sammi if I did, and she said, "Probably," and I just found out earlier that this morning they were listing people they liked and she listed me as one of three people who have feelings for him...
R: She did what?
S: It's no big deal... I'm more mad at myself than at her...
R: Why are you mad at yourself?
S: I don't know... it's not his fault he doesn't like me... I'm just...
R: Just what?
S: I don't know, I'm really pretty weird. No, just, simply weird.
R: Sophie what would make you think you're strange?
S: Well, to start, I translate french love poems in my spare time,
R: The french are cool.
S: I listen to some classical and love Billie Holiday
R: I like some Billy Joel and Dave Mathews...
S: Ryan, those are so much more normal. And I'm just not normal.
R: Sophie, do not let a jerk like Jon make you think that you're weird. He's an idiot if he says there's no chance he'd ever go for you.
S: I'm sorry. I'm taking up you're afternoon. You don't have to just sit on the phone with me like this.
R: No. Keep talking.
S: Well... I don't know. I think this all started... well, bascically at the age of six. Because I've never lived in the same house for more that 5 years, had the same friends for more than 5 years...
R: go on...
S: and my mom got sick during my preteen years, which are some of the most important years of a child's life for personal growth, so she was sick through one of those moves... a move to my last house, and I was taking care of my brothers while my dad was at work and my mom was bedridden. And I just feel that I have serious intimacy issues as a result of my upbringing, not to mention that after my mother got better she got really cold towards us kids (except one of us, not me,) except for on good days. So I feel that I am incredibly needy and slightly psycotic, and tightly wound, and can never relax, and-
R: And?
S: I don't know. I'm sorry I'm rambling, I haven't spoken my mind about myself for a really long time. It's just that I didn't know who else to call. I'm scared Sammi would repeat it to Jon, and I'm scared that Claire will tell Desiree, who I haven't actually talked to in months...

(did I mention Desiree before? No? Lucky you.)

R: you haven't talked to Desiree?
S: We aren't friends anymore.
R: why?
S: because she's a brat and a whore.

Ryan laughed.

R: You said whore.

Which of course made me laugh... mostly because it's Ryan and my gosh why did he think this was funny all of the sudden? And why was I so happy somehow?

R: But, stop apoligizing. you were about to say "and" something?
S: "And" I just feel like I need to learn not to-
R: ..what?
S: I just... fall for any guy who shows any form of affection towards me. It's like magnetic, and I get stuck in these ruts.
R: you just fall for the wrong guys. You could get any guy if you actually tried and stopped meandering around the subject and obssessing, because you get yourself worked up for these guys, and theyre not worth it.
S: Maybe. It's just an issue I have, I guess.
R: everyone has issues, sophie. And you're not as weird as you think you are. You just need to find the right guy. Relax, I told you months ago Jon isn't worth you're time.

...and so on, and so forth, until the end of the conversation, which in all lasted about an hour and a half, which is considerably long for a phone-hater like Ryan who talks for three minutes tops with ANYBODY, including his girlfriend... (well, that was last year.) Then, the other line was beeping in.

S: goodbye, thank you so much-

and here's the really confusing part...
so I had been crying so hard for the past two-ish hours, and sometimes when I cry hard enough, I just totally lose my sense of rationality and become hearing impared, and so what I think he said, which makes no sense as I know he doesn't... couldnt.... is,

R: Goodbye. I love you...

and I hung up the phone before his possible words could click, because another thing thats off when im upset is my reaction time, so then, as i closed my phone, I let out a slurred, "What?"
he could just have easily said anything amazingly similiar sounding. Like "fly above kangaroos." thats the closest I can think of. And I'm really confused. And.... I think I'm actually over Jon. And...
okay, remember the part where I talk about my intimacy issues where I tend to fall for any guy who shows me affection? Well, yes, Ryan is one of my best friends, but....
I need to go think, now.
And supress the great urge to bake him pie.

until next post,
infinite xs and os,
sophie

Yay for friends.

So Ryan is calling me after school. I guess he could tell I was agitated. He asked me what was up and I just told him it didn’t matter, which, as he knows, means that something is definitely the matter.
Ryan knows that I have no problem expressing my feelings. I’m never at a loss for words.
It can be annoying sometimes when you have a friend who knows you so well. It can also be comforting.I can’t wait to get a guy’s opinion… Ryan is the greatest.
Jon didn’t’ even show up to the library today… he sort of disappeared off of the radar. Apparently, this is how the conversation about me between him and Sammi went: (after they had been listing people that like eachother and themselves)

Jon: so does Sophie still like me?
Sammi: probably. Why, do you like her?
Jon: that would never happen.
Sammi: ouch.
Jon: sorry. It just wont. She needs to like someone else and move on. Because I'm not going to like her.

and apparently he brings me up, a lot.
Which is just so not how she made it sound. And it is just so vague. But it isn’t a “no- she’s really pretty but way too weird.”
Which is what I usually get from guys whom I actually have feelings for.
It wasn’t a “she’s too fragile, too delicate.” And it wasn’t a, “here… can I put her up on a pedestal please?” which is nice. Because honestly, as spoiled as I may sound, I’m sick of being treated like a china doll, a princess, or a little sister.
I want to be treated like a girl…. And only a girl. The end.

Until next post,
Infinite xs and os,
Sophie

No new news, and certainly no positive reinforcement

Sammi went ahead and told Jon that I liked him. I think she was trying to make light of it all, but now things are going to be incredibly akward, because, as I suspected, he homes no romantic feelings for me. I plan on saying I like him only as a friend. I plan on saying that I want to help him with his sleeping problem for no reason other than that he's been really, really nice to me all year while a lot of people haven't, (wait until they all see that I'm going to be in seventeen magazine!! ... wait until he sees...) and that I really appreciate it all, and would he please let me repay him? After all, his kindness has been very... je'ne sais pas. It makes me happy.
Until next post,
Infinite xs and os,
Sophie

Song List I

Favorite Song List (in no paticular order):
1. Life's a song - Patrick Park
2. What were the chances- Damien Jurado
3. The Sad Song- Fredo Viola
4. Into Dust- Ashtar Command
5. I'll be seeing you- Billy Holiday
6. Bittersweet Symphony- The Verve

It's quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart.

The Little Prince

Has anyone else ever read The Little Prince?
I am most certainly not someone who reads something other than true classics or books of length and substance (which are hard to come by today.)
The thing is, The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, remains my favorite book of all time. I read it first at age twelve, at which point I was the only kid I knew who was enjoying Shakespeare's Plays (well, I had been since age six... My grandmother would read them to me as a small child.) and Sense and Sensibility. Then my mom got sick, and went out and bought it for me...
The Little Prince is an absolute treasure. It is one of those books that you won't be able to put down, one of those books that you must read and re-read. It's one of those books from which learn something new every time you read it, and you notice something new with every passing year that you re-read it.
Perhaps the two most line in the entire story is:

"Here is my secret. It's quite simple:

One sees clearly only with the heart.

What is essential is invisible to the eye."

Could it be any more true?
Since I re-read it for the seventeen-thousandth time last month, I've been trying really hard to stop living any other way that with my heart first. I've been trying very hard to stop trying to see things with my eyes, and assume things. I've stopped doing things for any reason other than because it feels right inside my heart.
And Since then, I've done a lot of things in an attempt to make my life worthwhile. I think that it's important for me, at this point in my life, to stop trying so hard to live up to other people's expectations and start living up to my own. I used to think that my expectations for myself were pretty low. Now I'm realizing that they are really, really high, and that I can achieve them. I can also have what I want if I actually try.
For so long I have been afraid to try.

Until Next Post,
infinite xs and os,
Sophie

The Dance: S&C had fun, J wasn't there, and neither was I

Just because I prefer translating French love poems to appearing at a petty school dance where a bunch of spoiled brats look at some of the more unpopular girls, laughing at their dress of choice and their weight, does NOT mean I'm anti social. Does it?
I'm sorry, I'm just not interested.
Lucky for me, it seems that Sammi and Caleb (did I mention she has a boyfriend now? Yeah. for like a week. I forgot to mention that in my last post.) had an incredible time... but Sammi didn't see Jon all night. So it isn't like he actually went, anyway. I'm not sure why... he has sleep issues, after all, and excersizing at least 3 hours before bed can be very helpful. I'm considering going all sleep therapist on him. Maybe then, when he sees how helpful I am, he'll like me, too.

Please post any comments you may have.
Until next post,
infinite xs and os,

Sophie

Confusion

Is it strange that I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness for anothers?
When my best friend, Sammi, had feelings for Jon, I convinced her that I had feelings for Ryan, my guy best friend, when really, I had feelings for Jon. Being that one of my closest friends happens to be a boy, I have never had a paticularly difficult time interpereting signals and body language. And yet, for some reason, I'm having a paticularly hard time understanding Jon. Usually, I am so certain that he likes Sammi, and then, all of the sudden, he goes out of his way to make something clear to me, or somehow touch me, and then I get utterly confused.
He came up to me in the library one day and said he wanted to tell me something. then Sammi walked over to us and he dropped the topic. I approached him later that day and asked him if he had wanted to tell me something, and he told me to never mind.
I turned around to walk away, and he sad, "Sophie- wait." and I turned around again and he said, "I think you have it in your head that I like Sammi."
I just stood their, silently, listening, waiting for him to continue.
"Well... do you?" he asked.
"I don't know?"
"Because, I don't."
"Okay." And then, I, who never, ever freaks out, who has modeled for a national fashion magazine, who is never at loss for words, DID freak out, WAS at a loss for words....
"Actually, Jon, I have to go. I'll see you tommarow, okay?"
I just turned around and walked away. I just sort of left him there. I turned around when I was at the door and he was still watching me.
Where did this all come from? My gosh, what in the world caused this confusion?
There was once when I got up from my beanbag in the library which was next to his, and came back to Jon, fast asleep, with his arm sprawled across my beanbag. I delicately moved his arm onto his chair, and he moved it back. "Jon?" he didn't respond, so I moved it again. Then he moved it back. and then I said, I'm laying down now. I layed down next to his hand, and he somehow managed to move it under me. I jumped up, suprised, and looked over at him, and by his expression I could tell he was trying to keep a straight face.
And then there's the fact that sometimes, I know that I confuse him, too.
It's as if every single day he learns something new about me and is totally intrigued. I causually swore yesterday, and he, who curses perhaps ten times throughout a sentence, managed to FREAK OUT, as if the fact that I swore meant the world was ending (I constantly swear. I don't understand how he didn't notice before.)
agh, that child...

Until next post,
infinite xs and os,
Sophie

p.s. Readers: please offer any insight you may be able to give. Thank you so much!