Actually a new source of confusion.

I was hysterical when Ryan called.
Right away he asked, "is this about Jon? and I said, "it doesn't matter... you said you had a lot of hw... go ahead. talk to you later." and hung up. and he called me right back and said,

R: okay. So you're going to tell me what's wrong now.
S: um...
R: Okay, so it is about Jon.

Have I ever mentioned that Ryan and Jon aren't exactly friends? Right away when he figured out that I had feelings for Jon, Ryan told me that I could do much better and that he was a jerk.

S: It's just that...

I stopped, trying to word my explanation.

R: It's just that...
S: Just that I really like him, and yesterday he asked sammi if I did, and she said, "Probably," and I just found out earlier that this morning they were listing people they liked and she listed me as one of three people who have feelings for him...
R: She did what?
S: It's no big deal... I'm more mad at myself than at her...
R: Why are you mad at yourself?
S: I don't know... it's not his fault he doesn't like me... I'm just...
R: Just what?
S: I don't know, I'm really pretty weird. No, just, simply weird.
R: Sophie what would make you think you're strange?
S: Well, to start, I translate french love poems in my spare time,
R: The french are cool.
S: I listen to some classical and love Billie Holiday
R: I like some Billy Joel and Dave Mathews...
S: Ryan, those are so much more normal. And I'm just not normal.
R: Sophie, do not let a jerk like Jon make you think that you're weird. He's an idiot if he says there's no chance he'd ever go for you.
S: I'm sorry. I'm taking up you're afternoon. You don't have to just sit on the phone with me like this.
R: No. Keep talking.
S: Well... I don't know. I think this all started... well, bascically at the age of six. Because I've never lived in the same house for more that 5 years, had the same friends for more than 5 years...
R: go on...
S: and my mom got sick during my preteen years, which are some of the most important years of a child's life for personal growth, so she was sick through one of those moves... a move to my last house, and I was taking care of my brothers while my dad was at work and my mom was bedridden. And I just feel that I have serious intimacy issues as a result of my upbringing, not to mention that after my mother got better she got really cold towards us kids (except one of us, not me,) except for on good days. So I feel that I am incredibly needy and slightly psycotic, and tightly wound, and can never relax, and-
R: And?
S: I don't know. I'm sorry I'm rambling, I haven't spoken my mind about myself for a really long time. It's just that I didn't know who else to call. I'm scared Sammi would repeat it to Jon, and I'm scared that Claire will tell Desiree, who I haven't actually talked to in months...

(did I mention Desiree before? No? Lucky you.)

R: you haven't talked to Desiree?
S: We aren't friends anymore.
R: why?
S: because she's a brat and a whore.

Ryan laughed.

R: You said whore.

Which of course made me laugh... mostly because it's Ryan and my gosh why did he think this was funny all of the sudden? And why was I so happy somehow?

R: But, stop apoligizing. you were about to say "and" something?
S: "And" I just feel like I need to learn not to-
R: ..what?
S: I just... fall for any guy who shows any form of affection towards me. It's like magnetic, and I get stuck in these ruts.
R: you just fall for the wrong guys. You could get any guy if you actually tried and stopped meandering around the subject and obssessing, because you get yourself worked up for these guys, and theyre not worth it.
S: Maybe. It's just an issue I have, I guess.
R: everyone has issues, sophie. And you're not as weird as you think you are. You just need to find the right guy. Relax, I told you months ago Jon isn't worth you're time.

...and so on, and so forth, until the end of the conversation, which in all lasted about an hour and a half, which is considerably long for a phone-hater like Ryan who talks for three minutes tops with ANYBODY, including his girlfriend... (well, that was last year.) Then, the other line was beeping in.

S: goodbye, thank you so much-

and here's the really confusing part...
so I had been crying so hard for the past two-ish hours, and sometimes when I cry hard enough, I just totally lose my sense of rationality and become hearing impared, and so what I think he said, which makes no sense as I know he doesn't... couldnt.... is,

R: Goodbye. I love you...

and I hung up the phone before his possible words could click, because another thing thats off when im upset is my reaction time, so then, as i closed my phone, I let out a slurred, "What?"
he could just have easily said anything amazingly similiar sounding. Like "fly above kangaroos." thats the closest I can think of. And I'm really confused. And.... I think I'm actually over Jon. And...
okay, remember the part where I talk about my intimacy issues where I tend to fall for any guy who shows me affection? Well, yes, Ryan is one of my best friends, but....
I need to go think, now.
And supress the great urge to bake him pie.

until next post,
infinite xs and os,
sophie

Yay for friends.

So Ryan is calling me after school. I guess he could tell I was agitated. He asked me what was up and I just told him it didn’t matter, which, as he knows, means that something is definitely the matter.
Ryan knows that I have no problem expressing my feelings. I’m never at a loss for words.
It can be annoying sometimes when you have a friend who knows you so well. It can also be comforting.I can’t wait to get a guy’s opinion… Ryan is the greatest.
Jon didn’t’ even show up to the library today… he sort of disappeared off of the radar. Apparently, this is how the conversation about me between him and Sammi went: (after they had been listing people that like eachother and themselves)

Jon: so does Sophie still like me?
Sammi: probably. Why, do you like her?
Jon: that would never happen.
Sammi: ouch.
Jon: sorry. It just wont. She needs to like someone else and move on. Because I'm not going to like her.

and apparently he brings me up, a lot.
Which is just so not how she made it sound. And it is just so vague. But it isn’t a “no- she’s really pretty but way too weird.”
Which is what I usually get from guys whom I actually have feelings for.
It wasn’t a “she’s too fragile, too delicate.” And it wasn’t a, “here… can I put her up on a pedestal please?” which is nice. Because honestly, as spoiled as I may sound, I’m sick of being treated like a china doll, a princess, or a little sister.
I want to be treated like a girl…. And only a girl. The end.

Until next post,
Infinite xs and os,
Sophie

The Dance: S&C had fun, J wasn't there, and neither was I

Just because I prefer translating French love poems to appearing at a petty school dance where a bunch of spoiled brats look at some of the more unpopular girls, laughing at their dress of choice and their weight, does NOT mean I'm anti social. Does it?
I'm sorry, I'm just not interested.
Lucky for me, it seems that Sammi and Caleb (did I mention she has a boyfriend now? Yeah. for like a week. I forgot to mention that in my last post.) had an incredible time... but Sammi didn't see Jon all night. So it isn't like he actually went, anyway. I'm not sure why... he has sleep issues, after all, and excersizing at least 3 hours before bed can be very helpful. I'm considering going all sleep therapist on him. Maybe then, when he sees how helpful I am, he'll like me, too.

Please post any comments you may have.
Until next post,
infinite xs and os,

Sophie

Confusion

Is it strange that I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness for anothers?
When my best friend, Sammi, had feelings for Jon, I convinced her that I had feelings for Ryan, my guy best friend, when really, I had feelings for Jon. Being that one of my closest friends happens to be a boy, I have never had a paticularly difficult time interpereting signals and body language. And yet, for some reason, I'm having a paticularly hard time understanding Jon. Usually, I am so certain that he likes Sammi, and then, all of the sudden, he goes out of his way to make something clear to me, or somehow touch me, and then I get utterly confused.
He came up to me in the library one day and said he wanted to tell me something. then Sammi walked over to us and he dropped the topic. I approached him later that day and asked him if he had wanted to tell me something, and he told me to never mind.
I turned around to walk away, and he sad, "Sophie- wait." and I turned around again and he said, "I think you have it in your head that I like Sammi."
I just stood their, silently, listening, waiting for him to continue.
"Well... do you?" he asked.
"I don't know?"
"Because, I don't."
"Okay." And then, I, who never, ever freaks out, who has modeled for a national fashion magazine, who is never at loss for words, DID freak out, WAS at a loss for words....
"Actually, Jon, I have to go. I'll see you tommarow, okay?"
I just turned around and walked away. I just sort of left him there. I turned around when I was at the door and he was still watching me.
Where did this all come from? My gosh, what in the world caused this confusion?
There was once when I got up from my beanbag in the library which was next to his, and came back to Jon, fast asleep, with his arm sprawled across my beanbag. I delicately moved his arm onto his chair, and he moved it back. "Jon?" he didn't respond, so I moved it again. Then he moved it back. and then I said, I'm laying down now. I layed down next to his hand, and he somehow managed to move it under me. I jumped up, suprised, and looked over at him, and by his expression I could tell he was trying to keep a straight face.
And then there's the fact that sometimes, I know that I confuse him, too.
It's as if every single day he learns something new about me and is totally intrigued. I causually swore yesterday, and he, who curses perhaps ten times throughout a sentence, managed to FREAK OUT, as if the fact that I swore meant the world was ending (I constantly swear. I don't understand how he didn't notice before.)
agh, that child...

Until next post,
infinite xs and os,
Sophie

p.s. Readers: please offer any insight you may be able to give. Thank you so much!