Actually a new source of confusion.

I was hysterical when Ryan called.
Right away he asked, "is this about Jon? and I said, "it doesn't matter... you said you had a lot of hw... go ahead. talk to you later." and hung up. and he called me right back and said,

R: okay. So you're going to tell me what's wrong now.
S: um...
R: Okay, so it is about Jon.

Have I ever mentioned that Ryan and Jon aren't exactly friends? Right away when he figured out that I had feelings for Jon, Ryan told me that I could do much better and that he was a jerk.

S: It's just that...

I stopped, trying to word my explanation.

R: It's just that...
S: Just that I really like him, and yesterday he asked sammi if I did, and she said, "Probably," and I just found out earlier that this morning they were listing people they liked and she listed me as one of three people who have feelings for him...
R: She did what?
S: It's no big deal... I'm more mad at myself than at her...
R: Why are you mad at yourself?
S: I don't know... it's not his fault he doesn't like me... I'm just...
R: Just what?
S: I don't know, I'm really pretty weird. No, just, simply weird.
R: Sophie what would make you think you're strange?
S: Well, to start, I translate french love poems in my spare time,
R: The french are cool.
S: I listen to some classical and love Billie Holiday
R: I like some Billy Joel and Dave Mathews...
S: Ryan, those are so much more normal. And I'm just not normal.
R: Sophie, do not let a jerk like Jon make you think that you're weird. He's an idiot if he says there's no chance he'd ever go for you.
S: I'm sorry. I'm taking up you're afternoon. You don't have to just sit on the phone with me like this.
R: No. Keep talking.
S: Well... I don't know. I think this all started... well, bascically at the age of six. Because I've never lived in the same house for more that 5 years, had the same friends for more than 5 years...
R: go on...
S: and my mom got sick during my preteen years, which are some of the most important years of a child's life for personal growth, so she was sick through one of those moves... a move to my last house, and I was taking care of my brothers while my dad was at work and my mom was bedridden. And I just feel that I have serious intimacy issues as a result of my upbringing, not to mention that after my mother got better she got really cold towards us kids (except one of us, not me,) except for on good days. So I feel that I am incredibly needy and slightly psycotic, and tightly wound, and can never relax, and-
R: And?
S: I don't know. I'm sorry I'm rambling, I haven't spoken my mind about myself for a really long time. It's just that I didn't know who else to call. I'm scared Sammi would repeat it to Jon, and I'm scared that Claire will tell Desiree, who I haven't actually talked to in months...

(did I mention Desiree before? No? Lucky you.)

R: you haven't talked to Desiree?
S: We aren't friends anymore.
R: why?
S: because she's a brat and a whore.

Ryan laughed.

R: You said whore.

Which of course made me laugh... mostly because it's Ryan and my gosh why did he think this was funny all of the sudden? And why was I so happy somehow?

R: But, stop apoligizing. you were about to say "and" something?
S: "And" I just feel like I need to learn not to-
R: ..what?
S: I just... fall for any guy who shows any form of affection towards me. It's like magnetic, and I get stuck in these ruts.
R: you just fall for the wrong guys. You could get any guy if you actually tried and stopped meandering around the subject and obssessing, because you get yourself worked up for these guys, and theyre not worth it.
S: Maybe. It's just an issue I have, I guess.
R: everyone has issues, sophie. And you're not as weird as you think you are. You just need to find the right guy. Relax, I told you months ago Jon isn't worth you're time.

...and so on, and so forth, until the end of the conversation, which in all lasted about an hour and a half, which is considerably long for a phone-hater like Ryan who talks for three minutes tops with ANYBODY, including his girlfriend... (well, that was last year.) Then, the other line was beeping in.

S: goodbye, thank you so much-

and here's the really confusing part...
so I had been crying so hard for the past two-ish hours, and sometimes when I cry hard enough, I just totally lose my sense of rationality and become hearing impared, and so what I think he said, which makes no sense as I know he doesn't... couldnt.... is,

R: Goodbye. I love you...

and I hung up the phone before his possible words could click, because another thing thats off when im upset is my reaction time, so then, as i closed my phone, I let out a slurred, "What?"
he could just have easily said anything amazingly similiar sounding. Like "fly above kangaroos." thats the closest I can think of. And I'm really confused. And.... I think I'm actually over Jon. And...
okay, remember the part where I talk about my intimacy issues where I tend to fall for any guy who shows me affection? Well, yes, Ryan is one of my best friends, but....
I need to go think, now.
And supress the great urge to bake him pie.

until next post,
infinite xs and os,
sophie